December 30, 2007

The 7 Deadly Lies

All I can say is, 'Thank goodness I'm not Catholic!'
Thanks, Mary Ellen for nominating me for this meme. At least I won't have to spend hours and hours on my knees to atone for it. How are YOUR knees, by the way?

OK, so here are The 7 Things I Never Did:

1. When I was in high school, I was a bit of a hellraiser. I used to slip out nights and go for swims in Russel Stoffer’s pool. Stoffer’s HQ is located in KC and he had a house across town from us. What can I say? I was addicted to chocolate, even then, and I’d heard that the family had bribed another kid with candy to, ‘Stay the hell out of our pool!’
It didn’t work out that way for me, though. I’ll leave it to the reader to figure out what happened in MY case———

2. Even though I had—ermmmm—a spirited streak, I was an exemplary student. I graduated at 15 and was in the running for valedictorian but got beat out for the position to a ‘more deserving candidate.’ SHE was some 12 year-old prodigy who had finished high school in 1 year. I don't know what's so great about being 12 [I beat her to it by 3 years, after all!] but, for political reasons, I got leaned on to let her carry the day and I graciously stood aside.
Hey! It's not MY fault she got stuck in her locker the day of the ceremony and almost missed it. That's what comes of kids skipping grades. Their motor functions aren't fully developed and they do things like trip while opening their lockers.

3. After graduating high school, I made good on my threat and ran away to join the circus. I started out at the very bottom, mucking out the big cat cages and the elephant cages. Then I moved on to feeding the animals and finally graduated into the Big Top where I eventually had a clown act that involved balancing on the high wire with 2 chairs and a parasol. I was pretty good, too—even though I never did work without a net. A good thing, all in all, as I regularly landed in it—and not on purpose.

4. Finally, I left the circus [and, no, it had nothing to do with my affair with that roustabout—I don’t care what ANYONE says!] I gave no notice, just packed my bags and lit out for New York [the Show of Shows was in Philadelphia when I deserted] and wound up in Bethel in 1969. Well, what can I say? I was great friends with Max Yasgur and just decided to drop in and chill out for a few days. Who knew the hoardes were about to descend?
So, being smack in the middle of a massive traffic jam AND a disaster area, a few days later, I mosied on down and participated in the fabled, ‘Breakfast in Bed for Half a Million.’ To this day I can’t look a pot of oatmeal in the eye.

5. When I was in my mid-thirties, I wrote a letter to my good friend Joanne Rowling in Scotland outlining a story about an orphan being brought up by relatives and, in his early teens, learning that he was a wizard. But, she kinda pooh-poohed the proposal, telling me it wouldn’t sell. So, I just dropped the idea.
I later lost track of Joanne. I sometimes wonder whatever happened to her.

6. On my 50th birthday I took off to follow the famous route of Lewis and Clark. Well, I cheated a little bit—I actually took off from Westport, MO—the posting point for a lot of saratoga wagons that just happened to be about 12 blocks from my home.
I mean, why fly to St. Louis when such a major landmark was in my neighborhood? Anyway, I picked up the official trail at Atchinson, KS and began following Independence Creek at that point. I was back in KC 4 ½ years later. What a ride!

7. I read the Borowitz Report this morning [see Scattershot Thoughts] and I was able to follow the whole thing without, even once, needing to go back and reread the last couple of sentences or so. I completely understood the entire article without a hitch.

So, here’s my contribution to the meme—and haven’t I had a fascinating [even if false] life???
Now, I gotta get off here and go wrestle a big-foot this afternoon. Hey! I'm not all that gung-ho to do it--but I DID promise. . . .

And, far be it from me to let this little meme die:
so, 'TAG Fran, Larry and Snave -- You're It!


FranIAm said...

Well as it happens I was one of the first to do this meme, but you know what... I am going to do it again.

Lying seems to have served all of our leaders so well, I am going to give it another shot!

FranIAm said...

The deed is done!

two crows said...

thanx for being such a stand-up gal, Fran.
last time I sent on a meme, everyone bowed out.

Mary Ellen said...

LOL! Great job! I had to laugh when you added the part about the circus cuz I almost said the same thing, only in my case I was a bearded lady in the freak show.

I'll have to run, though...lots of rosaries to say to make up for my post. ;-)

two crows said...

hey, Mary Ellen--
like minds, I guess. :)

MY 2 favorites were: accidentally turning up at Woodstock and being the real inventor of Harry Potter.