December 7, 2007

Life University

Thanks to Mary Ellen, The Divine Democrat, who tagged me to do this "Real Life Curriculum" meme after she was tagged by dguzman of Impeachment and Other Dreams who was, in turn tagged by FranIam.

Okay, I'm supposed to "write about 5 classes you would like to take if you could make up your own curriculum. AND -- and this is important-- ONE of them must come from your tagger's list.”
I've known since my undergrad days [hell, since junior high school] that schools aren't realistic in the classes they require.
I mean, how has knowing, at the age of 13, the primary export products of Ecuador [the legal ones, anyway] enhanced my life as a pshrink spanning the period from 14 to 47 years later? Is that a no-brainer or what?

So, my new school: Blind Leading the blind Eclectic Curriculum, Humbug University [BLECH U] will offer, for the coming semester, the following courses. HERE are hands-on classes you can really sink your teeth into:

[see above statement for a stunning example of the abilities you will graduate this class having acquired].
Keep your colleagues guessing about what you really mean after acquiring the skills offered here. Always a positive outcome if you're dealing with the White House Press Corps, most board meetings, staff meetings and even meetings around the water cooler. Always a crowd pleaser.
Requirement: Check your brain at the door and be ready to heave those rotting vegetables back at your audience.

This course is recommended as a follow-up for the above-listed class but will, almost certainly, find other uses in your post-matriculation period, as well. Returning tear-gas grenades to the police during protests, hanging onto iron fence posts ditto and warding off billy club blows ditto-ditto spring to mind.

The video below will act as course description and enactment of abilities graduates will acquire. [Note to the student: being male is helpful but women can, if willing to apply extra effort, learn the skills involved.]

The requirement for a passing grade is a demonstration of both short- and long-term memory loss.
During the final exam, the student will be given a PET Scan and tested for such terms as 9/11, [the alleged] Iraqi involvement in 9/11, the 'Iranian attempt to acquire a nuclear arsenal', the technical term 'nucular', the names of all presidential candidates, the names of all current members of the Federal Government including the Supreme Court Justices, commonly known terms including [but not limited to]: 'Intelligent Design', 'Swift Boating', 'Habeas Corpus', 'Gun Control', 'Faith Based Initiatives', 'WMDs', 'Litmus Test', etc. If any portion of the brain lights up during the course of the scan, the student will fail the class and must take it again.
Becoming proficient in this course [or at least graduating] may require taking the last course on the list.

And, last but certainly not least, the entry taken from Mary Ellen [hey! plagiarism is required in this school!]
I chose this course for purely personal reasons. Fact is, I never HAVE learned this skill to any great degree. As a result, I've been doomed to carry around a pipe during all the years I've availed myself of the medicinal qualities delivered by my herb of choice.

[Note to student: it may be a good idea, in fact, to enroll in this class first in order to make ALL the rest of them go more smoothly.]
Marijuana enthusiast's, this is your chance to acquire the fine art of rolling a joint like a professional! Rolling your own is a time honored way of smoking cannabis and this class will aid you to be the well-trained joint roller that you always wished to be! Don't let your government bring you down, when your President stands before the American people to lie about the state of the union, you will have the tools to withstand anything he says. BYOP (Bring your own pot) rolling papers and lighters will be supplied.
So, now I've got to tag some folks.
I don't know if there's a required number. So, since Mary Ellen tagged 3-- so will I.

1: Polishifter of Pissed on Politics
2: James Joiner of An Average American Patriot
3. Larry Sadler of Let's Talk and Let's Talk God

Please don't feel obligated to follow up if you don't want to.
And remember, I HAVE taken class # 2 above, so it's NOT a good idea to throw rotting vegetation at me! :)


Anonymous said...

The sense of humor is the one thing that will get any of us through this administration!

two crows said...

hi lapopessa--
don't think I've seen you here before. welcome to PP&D.
yeah, a sense of humor is absolutely necessary. and selective amnesia seems to me to be the best way to develop it under the circumstances. :)

Mary Ellen said...

two crows! OMG! That video was hilarious..."man cold", LOL!

You did an excellent job and I'll be enrolling in BLECH U immediately.

I hope I get into the Upper Body Building for the Enhancement of Hurling Vegetables (202). I have to admit that I have ulterior motives for this class. I can finally win the next snowball fight with my husband, the man is ruthless! And, the extra upper body strength may also increase my bustline which would make shopping for that bathing suit next summer a lot less painful.

Good job, two crows! I'm looking forward to checking out the newly tagged bloggers. This will be fun!

Have a great weekend, kiddo. We're getting more snow tomorrow...moving to Florida is starting to sound real good to me.

two crows said...

hi, ME--
I'm certain my undergrad work at DUMP properly prepared me for teaching at BLECH.

and, of course you are eligible for Upper Body Building. . . [202]. either Total Body Health Through Pole Dancing OR Bullwhip Cracking [101] would have more than qualified you for the class.

my personal favorite is The Reacquisition of a Sense of Humor [Advanced Study]. anything that helps with developing selective amnesia during this time is more than welcome.

and, thanks for the use of your syllabus for How to Effectively Roll a Joint. it saved me weeks of work in putting together the requirements for the course.
thanx sooo much for keeping me up to date on snow conditions in the north.
I won't gloat out loud, I promise.

as for coming to Florida-- I've been tempted to close the border now that _I'm_ here [it gets awfully crowded down here--especially from November till May], but I'll make an exception for you and yours. just let me know when you're on your way and I'll lift the blockade. :)

an average patriot said...

Hi two crows
Just blew that comment away. I am a survivalist and would love to educate everyone on that but it would take a book so another time. I will have to get back to you as I have to get things going here.
Thanks for thinking of me. It's funny because I was thinking about you last night. I wish we were all in thwe same time zone so I could get things timely. Take care!

PoliShifter said...

Hi Two Crows,

thanks for the tag....

but I have to decline at this time. I've been so busy lately I barely have the time to update my blog let alone visit all the wonderful blogs (yours included) and meme participation.

If I get some time in the next week I'll take another look at it and consider it.

Distributorcap said...

i was so bad at rolling joints -- do they teach bong etiquette?

TomCat said...

With GOP Politicians visiting Portland nect year, vegetable hurling strength could be a real asset.

LET'S TALK said...

Hi two crows, sorry for stopping by so late. I love your meme post and would like to say thank you for the tag.

I must say that I stopped doing meme's a while ago, but I love what you have done here.

I love the class where the requirement for a passing grade is a demonstration of both short- and long-term memory loss.

Our administration would all get and A+ in this one.

two crows said...

it looks as if all 3 of the folks I tagged opted out.
maybe it's just getting too close to xmas and everyone's too busy.
I'll try tagging again after the season is over. I hate for this creative meme to die out. and it was really fun to do-- :)
hi, distributorcap,
consult your syllabus-- 'bong etiquette/the care and feeding of your bong and other niceties' is listed in the extra- credit section.

and, LT--
I'm afraid they wouldn't get a passing grade from me.
I'm sure any PET scan would unmask them as faking their selective amnesia and disqualify them from completing the course.
and Cheney has demonstrated to my satisfaction that, along with having no heart [no matter how well he may have duped those doctors a few weeks ago] he also has no sense of humor -- in fact no sense of any sort.

two crows said...

oh, LT, one other point:
Bush's PET scan would, of course, show no brain activity AT ALL -- so it would be impossible to evaluate whether he passed the exam or not.

an average patriot said...

Hey two crows
I could certainly teach how to roll a joint too though I am out of practice. I lived and worked on a Farm in Maine as a kid where I learned from a retarded guy who drank himself that way. He rolled his own cigarettes and with one hand. I could get into depth but I better be quiet! Take care,

two crows said...

hey, AAP--
consider yourself hired! as noted in the post, _I'm_ certainly not qualified to teach that class. in fact, I may take it myself as a remedial study course.

LET'S TALK said...

Hi two crows, I thought I had better try to get some visiting in before I call the phone company for today and complain about my super high speed DSL that move slower than a turtle. That's when it decides to stay up for more than five minutes.

"Bush's PET scan would, of course, show no brain activity AT ALL -- so it would be impossible to evaluate whether he passed the exam or not."

Very nice one indeed, I wish that I was as clever as you all are.

an average patriot said...

Hey two crows1
Have a few seconds so I thought I would stop in and say Hi!

two crows said...

hey, LT--
thanks for using a couple of your 5 sustainable minutes to check in here.
and don't sell yourself short. I've seen the stuff you post on your blogs. you're PLENTY clever!

hi backatcha, AAP.
btw-- I received something in email yesterday that will be going up either late tonight or tomorrow. so be sure and check back then.
right now, I just have a minute or two to check comments before my KC friends and I run out for breakfast.
c u all! :)