Back in the 1970’s I read a book entitled, ‘The American Way of Death.’ It gave an overview of the undertaker’s lobby and how Congress had helped the industry keep prices artificially high. It was a real eye-opener.
This week I discovered that the intervening 30 years have done nothing to change the status quo—except maybe make it more entrenched.
I’m my mother’s primary care-giver—an extraordinarily surreal experience when I’m half a continent away from her. Recently, following one of her ‘spells’ during which she was taken to a hospital where she proceeded to rip IV tubes out of her arms, my siblings and I came to the conclusion that it was time to enroll her in hospice care. So, I did that last week.
Then, the hospice suggested that we should begin the process of arranging for ‘disposal of the remains’ [such lovely euphemisms they use].
Our father’s body was cremated in 1998 and our mother has an adjoining spot in the same crypt reserved for her ashes. So, imagine my surprise when I attempted to pre-arrange cremation for my mother’s body and was told that that is impossible under existing laws.
Unless my mother has signed an ‘Appointment of Agent to Control Disposition of Remains’, our family is not allowed to pre-arrange cremation. Burial—yes. Cremation—no.
When the time comes—when my mother’s body is residing in a refrigerator in Texas—each of her four children has to sign an agreement to cremate her remains. And any one of us could, theoretically, refuse, enforcing a burial rather than cremation.
Set aside for the moment the fact that my mother, a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease, is in no position to sign anything. Do YOU feel comfortable bringing up this issue with your elderly parents?
And, guess which of the two processes is more expensive? Yep—you got it in one. Burial is, by far, the more expensive.
As with many families, these days, my siblings are scattered far and wide: One lives in Texas. Another in California. Another is in Missouri. And I’m in Florida. In the most important way, though, we are all together. We know our mother’s wishes and our father's body has already been cremated. None of us is going to have a last minute change of heart—although that was the excuse given me by the director of one of the funeral homes I contacted yesterday.
Uh-huh.
It’s obvious the undertaker’s lobby earned it’s money when this bit of legislation was passed. At a time when families are most vulnerable— when emotions are running high—an enormous amount of paperwork has to be faxed, FedEx’ed, overnighted or whatever back and forth among everyone involved. If consensus hasn’t already been reached [which thankfully, in our family, it has] it takes only one person to opt for the more expensive process to force it on everyone else.
Never mind the fact that such a rift might be long-lasting and cause years of strife within a family. The funeral director will have gotten his fee. The hell with the rest of us.
August 9, 2007
Addendum:
This post is hitting people where they live, apparently-- so I have a bit to add:
I can't stress enough to anyone who reads this -- address these issues now while your parents are healthy. Granted, it's not easy, but putting it off can be far worse.
Speak to a lawyer or a funeral director and find out the laws in your state so you can avoid the [luckily, fairly minor] obstacle my family is facing.
I am so grateful we communicated as much as we did a number of years ago. My mother and I [and later, she and my sister] discussed the fact that she wanted a Do Not Resuscitate Order and hospice care when the time came to let go.
Now that that time is here and we can't ask her what she wants, it's such a relief to know we're doing what she would do for herself if she were cognizant.
fwiw -- My discussion with my mother was prompted by the fact that I took my own living will to my parents' home and asked them to file it away for me. That naturally led them to discuss the issue with me. It made the situation far less awkward than if I had just jumped into the matter with them. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened -- but it's certainly one approach that can be used consciously.
Granted, it would be far easier to file the cremation paperwork ahead of time-- but that is a minor matter compared to knowing her wishes regarding resuscitation, hospice and end-of-life-care. And the fact that all four of us know that she made plans, years ago, to be cremated will make that merely a formality when the time comes.
xxx
Another thing I began doing a number of years ago was addressing with my sister [who lives on the other side of the country] and my cousin [who is a nurse and lives about 30 minutes from my home] what my wishes are. I brought up the matters to them-- and spared them the embarrassment of asking me about them.
I carry my cousin's contact information in my billfold so he can be reached in case of emergency. I also keep written instructions in my purse [and wear a homemade 'dog tag' under my shirt] so that hospital personnel won't place me on machines before contacting him. Just a few ideas to consider.
This post is hitting people where they live, apparently-- so I have a bit to add:
I can't stress enough to anyone who reads this -- address these issues now while your parents are healthy. Granted, it's not easy, but putting it off can be far worse.
Speak to a lawyer or a funeral director and find out the laws in your state so you can avoid the [luckily, fairly minor] obstacle my family is facing.
I am so grateful we communicated as much as we did a number of years ago. My mother and I [and later, she and my sister] discussed the fact that she wanted a Do Not Resuscitate Order and hospice care when the time came to let go.
Now that that time is here and we can't ask her what she wants, it's such a relief to know we're doing what she would do for herself if she were cognizant.
fwiw -- My discussion with my mother was prompted by the fact that I took my own living will to my parents' home and asked them to file it away for me. That naturally led them to discuss the issue with me. It made the situation far less awkward than if I had just jumped into the matter with them. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened -- but it's certainly one approach that can be used consciously.
Granted, it would be far easier to file the cremation paperwork ahead of time-- but that is a minor matter compared to knowing her wishes regarding resuscitation, hospice and end-of-life-care. And the fact that all four of us know that she made plans, years ago, to be cremated will make that merely a formality when the time comes.
xxx
Another thing I began doing a number of years ago was addressing with my sister [who lives on the other side of the country] and my cousin [who is a nurse and lives about 30 minutes from my home] what my wishes are. I brought up the matters to them-- and spared them the embarrassment of asking me about them.
I carry my cousin's contact information in my billfold so he can be reached in case of emergency. I also keep written instructions in my purse [and wear a homemade 'dog tag' under my shirt] so that hospital personnel won't place me on machines before contacting him. Just a few ideas to consider.
August 7, 2007
Hatred on the High Seas
This from AlterNet:
Neocons on a Cruise: What Conservatives Say When They Think We Aren't Listening -- By Johann Hari, Independent UK.
A sweet elderly lady from Los Angeles is sitting on the rocks nearby, telling me dreamily about her son. "Is he your only child?" I ask. "Yes," she says. "Do you have a child back in England?" she asks. No, I say. Her face darkens. "You'd better start," she says. "The Muslims are breeding. Soon, they'll have the whole of Europe."
. . . I lie on the beach with Hillary-Ann, a chatty, scatty 35-year-old Californian designer. As she explains the perils of Republican dating, my mind drifts, . . . When I hear her say, " Of course, we need to execute some of these people," I wake up. Who do we need to execute? She runs her fingers through the sand lazily. "A few of these prominent liberals who are trying to demoralise the country," she says.
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
I came away from the article [and the comments on it] feeling very, very sad.
The neo-cons in the article wanted to kill all Muslims, brown people, liberals, poor people, conservatives who weren't 'conservative enough', in other words—anyone who wasn't exactly like them.
In the comments section, I didn't even have to read very far down before finding someone who wanted to strangle the ultra-conservatives. That's the word that was used, 'strangle'. I'm not certain, but I don't think it was meant metaphorically.
It seems that everyone hates everyone else these days. The mentality across the board seems to echo Bush's assertion—'If you're not with us you're with the terrorists.'
I sincerely doubt that's true of 99.9998% of the population—even when we don't all agree with each other.
But—no one seems to be listening to anyone who doesn't completely agree with his/her own opinion, these days. Everyone simply seems to be waiting for the other person to stop talking [or not even that long] so they can make their own point.
I don't have an answer as to what we do now that we all live in armed camps suspiciously eyeing each other across a no-man's land.
All I have is the observation. And, I'm scared.
Neocons on a Cruise: What Conservatives Say When They Think We Aren't Listening -- By Johann Hari, Independent UK.
A sweet elderly lady from Los Angeles is sitting on the rocks nearby, telling me dreamily about her son. "Is he your only child?" I ask. "Yes," she says. "Do you have a child back in England?" she asks. No, I say. Her face darkens. "You'd better start," she says. "The Muslims are breeding. Soon, they'll have the whole of Europe."
. . . I lie on the beach with Hillary-Ann, a chatty, scatty 35-year-old Californian designer. As she explains the perils of Republican dating, my mind drifts, . . . When I hear her say, " Of course, we need to execute some of these people," I wake up. Who do we need to execute? She runs her fingers through the sand lazily. "A few of these prominent liberals who are trying to demoralise the country," she says.
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
I came away from the article [and the comments on it] feeling very, very sad.
The neo-cons in the article wanted to kill all Muslims, brown people, liberals, poor people, conservatives who weren't 'conservative enough', in other words—anyone who wasn't exactly like them.
In the comments section, I didn't even have to read very far down before finding someone who wanted to strangle the ultra-conservatives. That's the word that was used, 'strangle'. I'm not certain, but I don't think it was meant metaphorically.
It seems that everyone hates everyone else these days. The mentality across the board seems to echo Bush's assertion—'If you're not with us you're with the terrorists.'
I sincerely doubt that's true of 99.9998% of the population—even when we don't all agree with each other.
But—no one seems to be listening to anyone who doesn't completely agree with his/her own opinion, these days. Everyone simply seems to be waiting for the other person to stop talking [or not even that long] so they can make their own point.
I don't have an answer as to what we do now that we all live in armed camps suspiciously eyeing each other across a no-man's land.
All I have is the observation. And, I'm scared.
Neither Liberty nor Safety
Surveillance Cameras: Fighting Crime or Invading Privacy? -- By Jennifer Agiesta
Are surveillance cameras in public places a helpful tool in solving crimes or are they a modern day Big Brother? Most Americans take the more benign view.
Seven in 10 respondents in the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll said they support the increased use of surveillance cameras as a way to help solve crimes. One-quarter opposed the idea.
Click herel for the complete text.
^^^
It's downright frightening how many are willing to wake up one morning soon in a police state. Ben Franklin was right.
Are surveillance cameras in public places a helpful tool in solving crimes or are they a modern day Big Brother? Most Americans take the more benign view.
Seven in 10 respondents in the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll said they support the increased use of surveillance cameras as a way to help solve crimes. One-quarter opposed the idea.
Click herel for the complete text.
^^^
It's downright frightening how many are willing to wake up one morning soon in a police state. Ben Franklin was right.
August 6, 2007
August 5, 2007
'Never Trust Your Own Senses' says Bush, 'I don't.'
This from the Huffington Post:
Bush Sets the Table for September: Who You Gonna Believe, Petraeus or Your Own Eyes? -- by Arianna Huffington
Bush is so gung-ho about listening to Gen. Petraeus not because he is an expert but because he is an expert who agrees with Bush.
Indeed, he is an expert who agrees with Bush even though it means disregarding his own expertise -- ie the Army's newly-revised counter-insurgency field manual which he co-authored and, according to which far more troops are needed for the surge to succeed than he's been given.
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
Bush fired enough generals till he found one that would toe his idiot-logical line that Petraeus certainly knows which side of the bread's got the butter.
So rest easy, children. Just listen to the general. He'll know what to do next month-- after more children have come home in wheelchairs and boxes and Iraq is in worse shape than it is now and al qaida has found yet more recruits.
And Petraeus will tell us that all of that equals progress.
Bush Sets the Table for September: Who You Gonna Believe, Petraeus or Your Own Eyes? -- by Arianna Huffington
Bush is so gung-ho about listening to Gen. Petraeus not because he is an expert but because he is an expert who agrees with Bush.
Indeed, he is an expert who agrees with Bush even though it means disregarding his own expertise -- ie the Army's newly-revised counter-insurgency field manual which he co-authored and, according to which far more troops are needed for the surge to succeed than he's been given.
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
Bush fired enough generals till he found one that would toe his idiot-logical line that Petraeus certainly knows which side of the bread's got the butter.
So rest easy, children. Just listen to the general. He'll know what to do next month-- after more children have come home in wheelchairs and boxes and Iraq is in worse shape than it is now and al qaida has found yet more recruits.
And Petraeus will tell us that all of that equals progress.
August 3, 2007
Bush's Rush to Eavesdrop -- Again
Heard on Washington Week on PBS tonight:
Bush has finally met a vacation he doesn't like: Congress'.
He's telling Congress not to adjourn for its summer recess until he gets a wider OK to spy on US citizens. Those pesky impediments-- like warrants-- just cramp his style way too much.
And Gwyn asked a pertinent question: 'Why all the urgency now?'
[Bush sounds like your local hardware store ad pushing that barbecue at the end of the summer-- 'Hurry! 'For a limited time only!']
As Gwyn said, 'The White House has known since last spring that this was coming . Why is Bush urging this last moment "surge"?'
Could Bush be hoping that, in their hurry to get out of town they won't read the fine print?
Bush has finally met a vacation he doesn't like: Congress'.
He's telling Congress not to adjourn for its summer recess until he gets a wider OK to spy on US citizens. Those pesky impediments-- like warrants-- just cramp his style way too much.
And Gwyn asked a pertinent question: 'Why all the urgency now?'
[Bush sounds like your local hardware store ad pushing that barbecue at the end of the summer-- 'Hurry! 'For a limited time only!']
As Gwyn said, 'The White House has known since last spring that this was coming . Why is Bush urging this last moment "surge"?'
Could Bush be hoping that, in their hurry to get out of town they won't read the fine print?
Projection
You know how Bush is so fond of saying that the terrorists hate freedom and democracy and want to destroy them?
In psychology, there's a term called, 'projection.' It's the act of doing something, or thinking something or feeling something then accusing another of having done it or thought it or felt it.
Hello!!!
In psychology, there's a term called, 'projection.' It's the act of doing something, or thinking something or feeling something then accusing another of having done it or thought it or felt it.
Hello!!!
August 1, 2007
Shooting Ourselves in the Foot -- Again
One Tool America Needs -- By Michael Gerson
Wednesday, August 1, 2007;
'. . . Congress has chosen this moment to gut one of the most innovative and effective American outreach efforts since the Peace Corps.
'The Millennium Challenge Corp. is grown-up foreign aid. Under this three-year-old program, a board certifies countries that "are likely to use assistance wisely" -- nations committed to democratic and free-market reform and fighting corruption -- and works with them as partners on projects to combat poverty and encourage economic growth. . . . Nations that backtrack on reform and good governance have their "compacts" cut off, . . . [T]he MCC has made agreements with 13 nations.
'. . . Ambassador John Danilovich . . . , was in a state of dignified bewilderment. The Senate Appropriations Committee, demonstrating bipartisan shortsightedness, had just reduced funding for the MCC from the administration's $3 billion request to $1.2 billion, throwing future compacts into question. "Why," he asked, "do they want to undermine a foreign policy lever which is actually working?"
'[According to a] Pew survey . . : Eight of the 10 countries most favorable to the United States in the world are in sub-Saharan Africa. It is not a coincidence that American bilateral assistance to African countries over the past six years -- to fight AIDS, malaria and poverty -- has quadrupled. As a rule, people do not hate you when you save their children.'
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
One suggestion: Check to see how your reps voted. Thank those who have shown they care about the people and the nations involved and for America's image abroad-- and reprimand those who haven't. Then remind them that you vote, too.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007;
'. . . Congress has chosen this moment to gut one of the most innovative and effective American outreach efforts since the Peace Corps.
'The Millennium Challenge Corp. is grown-up foreign aid. Under this three-year-old program, a board certifies countries that "are likely to use assistance wisely" -- nations committed to democratic and free-market reform and fighting corruption -- and works with them as partners on projects to combat poverty and encourage economic growth. . . . Nations that backtrack on reform and good governance have their "compacts" cut off, . . . [T]he MCC has made agreements with 13 nations.
'. . . Ambassador John Danilovich . . . , was in a state of dignified bewilderment. The Senate Appropriations Committee, demonstrating bipartisan shortsightedness, had just reduced funding for the MCC from the administration's $3 billion request to $1.2 billion, throwing future compacts into question. "Why," he asked, "do they want to undermine a foreign policy lever which is actually working?"
'[According to a] Pew survey . . : Eight of the 10 countries most favorable to the United States in the world are in sub-Saharan Africa. It is not a coincidence that American bilateral assistance to African countries over the past six years -- to fight AIDS, malaria and poverty -- has quadrupled. As a rule, people do not hate you when you save their children.'
Click here for the complete text.
^^^
One suggestion: Check to see how your reps voted. Thank those who have shown they care about the people and the nations involved and for America's image abroad-- and reprimand those who haven't. Then remind them that you vote, too.
Lightening Up
After all the doom and gloom of previous posts, I've got to insert a bit of humor-- or I'm gonna be sick.
So, grab a cappacino, sit back and enjoy this.
So, grab a cappacino, sit back and enjoy this.
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